


Santa Can You Hear Me?

by whom_ping_willow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (well kinda? i mean... mostly), Background Jily, Christmas, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Pining, Secret Santa, Wolfstar Secret Santa 2019, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21987805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whom_ping_willow/pseuds/whom_ping_willow
Summary: Lily sighed and shook her head, dark red locks dancing around her face. “We can’t interfere,” she said. “And definitely not like this.”“But...” James groaned in frustration. Why wasn’t Lily listening? “Okay, hear me out,” he said. “We’re gonna do a Secret Santa event no matter what, right?”“Yeah, but-”James didn’t let her finish: “So will it really be so bad to make them each other’s Secret Santas and just… see how things go?”-Remus and Sirius have been hopelessly pining after each other for way too long and James thinks he has the solution.(Written for the Wolfstar Secret Santa exchange 2019)
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 155
Collections: Wolfstar Secret Santa 2019





	Santa Can You Hear Me?

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so i wrote this for @coricosplays (on tumblr) for the wolfstar secret santa event this year. i'm glad i got to participate and i hope you enjoy this!

_ Dear Remus, _

_ You are never going to read this (thank Merlin) but it has to be said because otherwise, I think I will explode: _

_ I love you. _

_ I fucking love you so much, and not in the way I'm supposed to. Not just as a friend. When I look at you, my chest gets all tight. It physically hurts, that’s how much I love you. It’s ridiculous. _

_ I know it’s wrong. I wish I could stop feeling this way about you and go back to just being friends, and I’ve tried, trust me, but apparently it doesn’t work like that. _

_ What can I do about it though? That’s right, nothing, other than watching you in secret and hating myself and writing stupid letters that you will never read. _

_ In conclusion, I am in love with you and I hate myself for it. _

_ Yours truly, _

_ Sirius. _

James didn’t know what he had expected to find, looking through Sirius’ private journal but it definitely wasn’t this. He closed the leatherbound book, blood rushing to his cheeks. This seemed private and definitely not like something he should’ve read. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t know how Sirius felt about Remus. It was hardly a secret, or at least not a very well-kept one. In fact, James was fairly certain the only people who didn’t know they were in love with each other were Sirius and Remus themselves. 

Perhaps he could change that…

James ignored the little voice in this head that told him this was a bad idea, and opened Sirius’ journal again on the same page. Carefully, he ripped the page out of the book, running his eyes over the neatly written cursive letters. 

The door opened, and James quickly stood up, hiding the letter behind his back. Sirius glared at him from the doorway. “Are you looking through my stuff?” he asked suspiciously.

James laughed and shook his head. “What? No!” he said.

“Then why are you standing by my trunk?” Sirius asked, crossing his arms. 

James shrugged. “No reason,” he said. “Just wanted to do a bit of spring cleaning, that’s all.”

Sirius’ eyes narrowed to slits. “It’s December.”

“It sure is.” James smiled, carefully folding the piece of paper behind his back. He was pretty sure he’d just had the most brilliant idea. 

-

“James, I agree that it’s infuriating, watching them be hopelessly in love with each other but this a bad idea,” Lily said, glaring at him from behind her book.

“No, Lily-” James tried to snatch the book out of her hand, willing her to pay attention, but she held it out of his reach. 

“It’s a brilliant idea!” he said.

Lily sighed and shook her head, dark red locks dancing around her face. “We can’t interfere,” she said. “And definitely not like this.”

“But...” James groaned in frustration. Why wasn’t Lily listening? “Okay, hear me out,” he said. “We’re gonna do a Secret Santa event no matter what, right?” 

“Yeah, but-”

James didn’t let her finish: “So will it really be so bad to make them each other’s Secret Santas and just… see how things go?”

Lily kept her eyes stiffly on the book in her hands. “I guess not but-” she looked up, piercing green eyes fixed at James. “You can’t give Remus that letter, okay? If Sirius wants to tell him, he will do so. It’s not your place to do that.”

“I know,” James mumbled, looking down at the piece of paper in his hands. “I just wanna help. This is our last year at Hogwarts and I just want them to be happy.”

Lily’s eyes softened with a gentle smile as she leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. “I know,” she said, leaning her head against his shoulder. “Just promise me you won’t be stupid.”

James smiled, putting an arm around her waist. “Me, stupid?” he asked. “Never.”

-

“Aren’t we supposed to draw the name of our Secret Santa from, like, a bowl or something?” Sirius asked, crossing his arms and leaning back in the soft armchair by the fireplace.

“I know that's how we used to do it, but this year you’ve already been assigned a Secret Santa,” James explained for the third time. “So instead of it being random, I’ll give you a piece of paper with your Secret Santa's name on it. Remember it has to be _secret_ , so no telling who your Secret Santa is,” he said, glaring at Peter. 

“There’s something I don’t understand, though,” Remus said. “Why can’t it just be random?”

“And why aren’t you participating?” Peter asked.

James sighed, rubbing his eyes. He suddenly had a newfound respect for Lily, who used to organize this. “Because, Peter, I can’t participate if I know who everyone’s Secret Santa is, can I? And-” he turned to look at Remus. “We’re just doing it differently this year. There’s no particular reason.”

Remus seemed to accept that explanation, though he still looked doubtful. James handed him a little crumbled up piece of paper with the name _Lily_ written on it in his own messy handwriting. He moved on like that, giving everyone a piece of paper until only one was left:

He handed Sirius the little paper piece with _Remus_ written on it. He watched Sirius open the paper and then, probably subconsciously, look up at Remus with a thoughtful expression, like he was already thinking of what to give him. 

“Okay, does everyone know who their Secret Santa is now?” James asked. He was met with a collection of nods and murmurs, which he took to mean yes. “Remember the rules, guys,” he said, looking out over the bunch. “You hand the gifts in to me before the Christmas holiday, and we’ll meet here before some of us go home for Christmas. Got it?”

Again, nods and murmurs of understanding. James smiled and gestured theatrically with his arms to nowhere in particular. “Merry fucking Christmas and let the Secret Santa-ing begin!”

-

Sirius squinted up at the sky, watching as snowflakes fell in a whimsical manner. The first snow that year, and even on a Hogsmeade weekend. The universe seemed to have decided to be kind to him this Christmas. 

His eyes fell on Remus who was walking ahead of him, seemingly in a heated discussion with Lily. Even if he could hear what they were saying, it would probably be something he didn’t understand. Remus was so smart…

“Hey, Padfoot!” He hadn’t noticed James before he threw an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a tight, very James-y semi-hug. “Thought about what to get for your Secret Santa?” he asked, keeping his arm casually resting on Sirius’ shoulder.

Sirius shrugged. “Not really,” he lied. In fact, he’d been looking at shops ever since they got to Hogsmeade, trying to decide what would be good enough for Remus. It had to be perfect. 

“Hmm,” James hummed thoughtfully. “You have Moony, right?” he asked.

Sirius nodded. His eyes fell on the shop they were walking past just then. He had never paid this bookstore any mind before, but now, it seemed to stand out more than any other shops. “Remus likes books,” he muttered, mostly to himself. 

“Ah!” James stopped in his tracks in front of the bookstore, and because his hand was still around Sirius, so did he. “Do you wanna look for a present in there?”

“Shouldn’t we stick to the others though?” Sirius asked, watching as Lily, Peter and Remus kept walking, leaving them further behind.

James shook his head and started walking towards the book store. “Nah,” he said. “You don’t want Remus to get suspicious, do you?”

The shop was quite small, with nothing but a register and rows of books. Sirius’ instincts told him to turn around and leave but instead, he walked over to the closest shelf, inspecting the books there. It seemed to be a weird mix of wizard and muggle books, all of them second-hand by the looks of it. He knew Remus loved muggle literature, especially those ‘classics’ he always talked about. Sirius smiled at the thought of it: Remus sitting next to him, rambling about some book he had read while all Sirius could do was try not to stare at him…

“Can I help you two young men with anything?”

Sirius and James were both startled by the voice of an elderly lady, presumably the shop-owner, who seemed to have snuck up on them completely unnoticed.

“Uh, yeah actually,” Sirius wasn’t sure what to ask for. “I’m looking for… a book.”

The woman laughed, squinting her eyes so the wrinkles on her face deepened. “Well, then you’ve come to the right place,” she told him. “Are you on the look for anything specific?”

“It’s a present,” James butted in. “For our friend, Remus. He likes to read.”

“I see,” the woman smiled. “And what kind of books does he like?”

Sirius chewed on his lower lip, looking at the bookshelf in front of him. Remus so often talked to him about the things he liked, sometimes stories he had read, but if Sirius was being honest, he tended to get distracted by Remus', well, everything, and completely forget to listen. What a horrible friend he was.

“Hmm,” James hummed, stroking his chin as in thought. “He likes muggle books,” he said. “Anything from old fairytales to those sappy romances. Oh, and poetry.”

The shop owner nodded and smiled at the two boys. “Let’s see what we can find, shall we?”

-

With their bags full of gifts and stomachs full of butterbeer, the students went back to Hogwarts. While some people stayed in the common room to study or just talk, some went right up to their dormitories. James noticed Sirius disappear up the stairs and followed him. 

“Happy with the present you got for Moony?” he asked.

Sirius turned around with the book in his hands. He looked down on it, a gentle smile forming on his lips. “Yeah,” he said. “I was actually just gonna leave it in a safe place, for now, then I’m going back downstairs.”

James nodded. “Why don’t you give it to me?” he suggested, holding out a hand. “I’ll keep it safe and give it to Moony when we’re exchanging our gifts.”

“Alright.” Sirius handed him the book. “Thanks, mate,” he said. “Will you wrap it too, then?”

“Of course,” James nodded, grinning reassuringly. “Don’t worry about it.”

Sirius thanked him again, before leaving to spend time with the others in the common room. James stayed behind, looking at the book in his hands.

He had promised Lily he wouldn’t interfere… But would she really mind, if James helped their two best friends get together? Maybe then, she would realize what a brilliant idea it was.

James bent down by his trunk, rummaging through his stuff. He knew he still had the letter, Sirius’ secret letter for Remus, somewhere in there. 

He found it, crumbled up but otherwise in perfect condition. But as he stood, with both the book and the letter, a perfect combination, in his hands, the doubt suddenly came. Lily _did_ say it was a bad idea, and she usually knew best. Plus, what if Sirius got mad at him? He’d thought about this before but had come to the conclusion that Sirius would be too grateful for helping him confess to Remus, he would forget all about being mad. But what if that wasn’t the case? Did the benefit, of his best friends realizing their love for each other, outweigh the risks?

James sighed, eyes wandering over Sirius’ neat handwriting. He had made a decision and prayed, to any god that might hear him, that it was the right one. 

-

The fire cast a soft yellow light on the common room, only contributing to the cosy, festive mood. Those who had already finished packing, or were staying at Hogwarts over the holidays, had gathered in their common rooms, snuggled up by the fireplaces in cosy Christmas jumpers or even pyjamas.

“Has anyone seen James?” Sirius asked, looking around the common room.

He, Remus, Peter and Lily were all gathered, only waiting for James so they could open their presents.

None of the others seemed to have seen him either. “Not since the three of us left to go down here,” Remus said. “He said he would take a little longer. I wonder what he’s up to…”

“Bloody idiot probably forgot to wrap the gifts,” Sirius muttered. Peter chuckled. 

“Ho ho ho!”

Startled, they all turned around, laughing at the sight that met them:

James was dressed in a full Santa costume - beard and all - carrying a sack of presents over one shoulder. 

Lily tried to contain her laughter. “James, what the hell are you doing?” she asked. 

“I don’t know who this ‘James’ is, though he sounds very cool,” James said in a voice much deeper than his usual one. “I’m Santa Claus and I’ve brought presents!”

None of them could stop laughing. “You look ridiculous,” Remus informed him, eyeing the bright red costume. 

James pointed a finger at Remus. “Watch your tongue, young man, or there won’t be any presents for you,” he warned in his deep Santa-voice, before setting down the sack of presents. “Hm, let’s see…”

He rummaged in the sack for a while before pulling up a present wrapped in red and gold. “It says this one if for… Lily! What a lovely name! Do we have a Lily here?” He looked around, pretending to search for Lily, who was sitting right in front of him.

Chuckling, she took the present from him. “James, you don’t have to keep this act up,” she said, placing a gentle kiss on this cheek. “Although I will admit it’s quite cute.”

Underneath the fake beard, James’ face went bright red. Lily smiled at him before tearing off the wrapping paper, revealing what looked like a shirt. She held it up to reveal a print of 4 people with the words “The Beatles” written over them. She smiled, looking around the room. “Okay, either Remus is my Secret Santa, or whoever _is_ my Secret Santa got help from Remus when picking out my gift,” she said. 

Remus seemed to have trouble hiding a smile. “What makes you say that?” he asked.

“You’re the only one who knows how much I love the Beatles!” Lily said. “In fact, you might be the only one of these idiots who even know about them.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean I’m your Secret Santa!” Remus said, way too defensively. “As you said, it could be anyone, I might’ve just helped them pick out the present.”

Lily stood up and walked over to Remus. “You’re such a bad liar,” she said, pulling him into a warm hug. “Thanks, I love the shirt.”

“You’re welcome,” Remus mumbled with a reluctant smile, Lily’s happiness seeming to rub off on him. 

James did his ridiculous Santa-laugh again. “Well, I think it’s only appropriate that Remus is the next to receive his gift,” he said, once again rummaging in the sack of presents. 

Sirius watched with anticipation as Remus opened his present. Would he like it? Would he be able to guess it was him, Sirius, who had bought it for him?

“Looks like a book,” Lily pointed out. “Someone must know you very well.”

Remus chuckled and carefully tore away the Gryffindor-red wrapping paper. 

“Oh!” His smile grew wider as he held up the book - a collection of muggle poetry the old shop-keeper had found for Sirius. “You’re right Lily, looks like whoever is my Secret Santa knows me very well.”

Something fell out from between the pages of the book, a piece of slightly crumpled paper. Sirius didn’t remember putting it there. He squinted over Remus’ shoulder as he picked up the paper and realized, to his great horror, that it was his handwriting, his words. He knew exactly what it said too. How had this ended up between the pages of that book?

-

“Sirius, wait!”

James ran after Sirius as he stormed off, heading to the staircase to their dorm. This hadn’t unfolded quite as he wanted it to.

He’d watched Sirius’ eyes widen in horror as he realized what that paper was. The look he’d given James before getting up hurt more than a punch in the face, and James had barely stayed long enough to see the confused look on Remus’ face as he read the letter.

He’d fucked up, he knew it. 

Sirius had slammed the door to the dormitory behind him, but James pushed it open. “Sirius, please, I know you’re mad-”

“What the _fuck_ , James?!”

James wasn’t sure what was worse: the anger in Sirius’ voice, or the way it shook like he was about to cry. 

“I’m really sorry-” James tried, but Sirius held up a hand to silence him.

“How did you find that letter?” he asked, clearly struggling to keep his voice steady. “That was private, no one was supposed to see that. Did you look through my stuff?”

He barely gave James a chance to answer, jumping from question to question, but eventually, James did manage to get a word in:

“I didn’t mean to,” he said. “I was fetching something for you a few weeks ago and it was on your bed.” 

He took a step towards Sirius, but Sirius took a step back. “That doesn’t give you the right to look through it,” he said, voice weak, barely more than a whisper.

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I know and I’m sorry-”

“I don’t want your fucking apology!” Sirius’ voice cut through the air like blades, surprising both James and himself. “Do you think saying sorry will fix things? Will it erase the memory of that letter from Remus’ brain?” Sirius took in a shaky breath, turning his head away from James, which James suspected was so he wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes.

“He’s gonna hate me now, isn’t he?” Sirius whispered, barely loud enough for James to hear it. 

“What? Pads, no.” James made the mistake of walking closer to Sirius in an attempt to comfort him, but all it did was make him lash out again.

“Get away from me!” he cried, the anger in his voice forcing James back again. “You had no right to look through my private stuff, and you sure as _fuck_ didn’t have the right to show it to anybody else. Especially not like that.” Angrily, he wiped his eyes in a clear attempt to keep just an ounce of dignity. “Who else did you tell? Wanna stand on top of a table and yell  _ “hey everybody, Sirius is gay and he’s hopelessly in love with his best friend” _ for everyone to hear?”

No, of course James would never do anything like that, and he wanted to tell that to Sirius but before he could find the right words, he heard the door open behind him. From the way Sirius’ entire body froze, he thought he knew who it was, but he turned around anyway.

“Uhm.” Remus’ cheeks went red. “I think we probably need to talk,” he told Sirius, not quite looking at him. 

James looked back at Sirius. It seemed to take every bit of willpower for him to nod and mumble, “Yeah, we probably do.”

-

A million thoughts were going through Remus’ head. There was no way Sirius, _beautiful, confident Sirius_ , felt that way about him. It had to be a prank, that was the only explanation. 

Peter peered over his shoulder to get a look at the letter, but Remus yanked it away, quickly standing up. 

He had to find Sirius, get an explanation for this. He’d probably seen it as a harmless prank, but Remus was gonna tell him - and James, because he seemed to be in on it - that this was in no way funny. 

Remus stopped in the doorway to their dorm. He’d been so sure that he would find James and Sirius giggling or otherwise looking amused. What he hadn’t expected was the sincerest look of horror in Sirius’ teary eyes when he saw him. 

“Uhm.” Remus searched for words, but couldn't find any. Was Sirius really such a good actor, and so committed to a stupid prank? 

“I think we probably need to talk,” he mumbled, careful not to give away much of any emotion before he understood what was going on. 

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, we probably do,” he muttered in a croaky voice, like he was trying not to cry.

After James had excused himself and disappeared out of the door, Sirius practically let his body drop onto his bed. 

Remus didn’t move. “Sirius,” he said. “You need to be honest with me and I swear to Merlin if you lie to me I will never forgive you… Is this a prank?”

Sirius heaved a shaky sigh, burying his face in his hands. “I fucking wish it was a prank,” he mumbled, voice muffled by his hands. 

“What do you mean?” Remus asked stiffly, still refusing to let his guard down, refusing to believe that this was real. 

Sirius looked up, but not at Remus. “You weren’t meant to see that letter.”

“Then why did put it right there for me to see?”

“I didn’t,” Sirius answered. “James did, he found the letter in my private journal and apparently thought it would be a good idea to give it to you,” The hopelessness Sirius had been radiating turned into anger and clenched fists for a moment, before his body slouched again. “I know you probably hate me,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry…”

Remus was speechless. He wanted to say so many things: tell Sirius that he didn’t hate him, that in fact, he felt the same way and understood perfectly the shame and guilt those feelings brought. Instead, he asked, “You keep a private journal?”

He immediately cursed at himself for asking such a stupid question. “Sirius, I don’t hate you,” he hurried to say before Sirius could respond. “How could I?”

Sirius let out a dry laugh, rubbing his eyes with his palms. “You don’t have to say that,” he told him in the most sincere voice. “There must be a part of you, behind all that kindness, who hates me for this…”

Heart pounding in his chest and convinced he would surely regret it, Remus took the few steps over to Sirius, knelt down in front of him and, cupping his cheeks with his hands, pulled him into a kiss. It was soft, hesitant, and Sirius quickly pulled away in surprise but _damn, it felt so good._

“How could I possibly hate you for feeling the same way I do?” he muttered, blood rushing to his cheeks.

He could practically hear Sirius’ mind working to understand what has just happened. “What?” he whispered, looking at Remus with wide eyes. 

If this moment hadn’t felt so sincere, so important, Remus would’ve found Sirius’ dumbfoundedness hilarious - and adorable. It was rare to see him like that. With a shy smile, he grabbed both of Sirius’ hands, looking into his eyes - wide and with a silvery glint from the ceiling lights. “I don’t understand,” he mumbled, “how you can possibly feel that way about me. I mean you’re beautiful and charming and you could have anyone you want…”

“I want you,” Sirius breathed, looking back at Remus with shock and disbelief and… desire. 

Remus didn't have time to respond before Sirius leaned forward and kissed him. 

-

“So… are you and Remus together for real?”

Sirius shook his head, tilting back his head to look at the ceiling. “We’re still trying to really… figure this out, I guess,” he said. “It’s very new still, you know.”

He could see James nod out of the corner of his eye. “I’m glad things turned out well,” he mumbled. 

Sirius sighed. He knew what was coming…

“Mate, I know saying sorry won’t just magically make it okay,” James said, quietly. “But I really am sorry. You don’t have to forgive me right now, I just…” He heaved a sigh, running a hand through his unruly hair. “I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have looked through your stuff and I definitely shouldn’t have given that letter to Remus.”

Ignoring the temptation to completely change the subject and instead ask James about when quidditch practice started or something meaningless like that, Sirius finally looked at James. “I know better than anyone what it’s like to really fuck up,” he muttered. “I know you just wanted to help.”

James’ eyes grew wide for a moment, then he shook his head. “You don’t have to say that,” he told him. “It’s okay if you hate me.”

“Oh come on,” Sirius said. “I could never hate you. I mean… I feel really betrayed, James.”

“I’m sorry-”

“Stop saying that,” he told him in a calm voice. “I know you are. And I forgive you. Just promise me you’ll never do anything like that again.”

James nodded gratefully. “Of course, I promise,” he said.

Sirius gave him a weak smile before standing up. “Thank you,” he said. “Now, I have business to attend elsewhere .”

“Business?” James cocked an eyebrow.

“My business, not yours,” Sirius told him, already making his way through the common room. They only had a few hours left before Christmas break, and he was planning to spend all of them with Remus. 


End file.
